Haircups, hellos and fish

This morning I woke up with the usual anxiety that greets me most mornings lately.  So I pick up my phone and start scrolling through Facebook, while thinking of what I will post for Libellula.  This usually curbs the anxiety and gets my mind busy thinking about the million other things I have to do that day.  Only it didn't work this morning.  My anxiety grew, slowly but steadily.  Then I came across a post from someone who challenged others to take a break from social media and delete the FB app from their phones for three days.  I accepted.  I immediately deleted my FB, Messenger, Pages and IG apps from my phones and surprisingly my anxiety intensified. I thought what in the heck will I do?  How will I answer customers?  What if I lose a customer because I didn't respond in time-

Okay time for a time out.  I was going in the wrong direction mentally.  I decided that with how I initially reacted to what I thought would be an empowering moment, it was time I took control of my life and started to be...happy.  Simply happy.  No charades.  No gimmicks.  No drama.  No anxiety.  Just happy.  And I knew at that moment that it would start with me and my attitude.  I glanced over at Noah and my heart melted.  I pulled him close and gave him a tight hug and just enjoyed the moment.  Enjoyed his sweet little perfect self within my embrace.  And I whispered to him, "mommy's got this". 

Next I decided that with the free time that I now had without the social media apps, I would start my morning doing something I thoroughly enjoyed doing.  Reading.  I love to read.  I could read all day.  Of course I usually never get more than a couple pages in without being interrupted, so now was the perfect time.  And I read.  After about 20 minutes of reading, that pesky racing mind got busy again.  How did it happen?  I have no idea.  I'm sure something that I read got me on one thought, that then led to another and so on.  Anyhow.  So as it was racing, I thought, no way.  You need to get up and shower before Noah gets up so that you can actually shave your legs today in case you go swimming.  So I got up and went downstairs to shower.  Right as I got to the door, I thought wait a minute.  This can wait!  Enjoy this free time while Noah sleeps!  Get back in bed and READ.  So I did.  And I did for another hour.  It was liberating.  This then fueled every next decision that led to a wonderful day. 

After I read, I crept downstairs and made some pancakes with sausage.  One of Noah's favorite breakfasts.  With grapes of course.  The purple not the green kind.  We sat and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.  After I cleaned up we broke out the Play-Doh.   And we laughed some more as he  carefully separated each color into tiny pieces.  Next we played with Legos and let his imagination run wild.  Now throughout these next couple of hours I won't lie.  I kept reaching for my phone out of habit to check my FB and IG, only to be reminded that I wasn't able to check my FB or IG.  Thankfully.  Otherwise I would have failed the challenge.  I couldn't believe how attached to it I have become.  I reminded myself that it can wait.  Yes, even my business page.  If someone wanted to schedule, they could reach out to me via phone.  So we decided to go swimming next.  After all, now that I was suddenly free of all the "busyness" I have so effortlessly created, so why not?  I'm so glad we did.  Noah has been to the pool a few times when he was quite a bit younger, but only recently has he gone with floaties.  The first time a few weeks ago, he was very hesitant to leave my side.  Today however, he pushed my hands away and said, "go mama".  And pushed himself off the steps and into the water where he doggie paddled and kicked his way around the pool.  He's come leaps and bounds and it is the coolest thing to see him as he gets stronger emotionally, mentally and physically.  There was also another boy at the pool with his dad and although he was at least 8 or 9 years older than Noah, Noah insisted on saying hello to the kid.  Hewoh! Hewoh! Peekaboo! Not sure if I'm even typing that phonetically correct but that's how it sounds in my head.  Another area he has grown so much in; speaking.  He used to always say hi, but he's upgraded for a polite hello, or hewoh.  I had so much fun watching him swim like a fish (as he repeatedly told me) and graduate from pushing off the steps to jumping from the steps and even the ledge of the pool.  So much can happen in an instant; especially when it comes to these little ones growing up.

As the day went on I forgot to check my phone.  After we swam, we went to get Noah a haircut.  As we pull up to Great Clips, I said okay sweetheart, let's go get a haircut! He so preciously mimicked me and said, "okay let's get a haircup"!  I just about died.  He sat all by himself on a booster this time and I could have cried.  These kids grow up so fast. By the time it was ready for dinner I remembered that oh yeah. I probably need to check my business page for any inquiries.  It took a matter of two minutes and I was back to being 100% present for Noah.  We enjoyed a wonderful dinner of spaghetti with garlic bread, another meal favorite, and then watched Cars.  Or at least I did.  He ended up leaving me to go hang out with Mimi and watch the iPad for a bit.  Then came back to join me for another round of Cars. 



As I sit and reflect on today I've come to realize a few things.  I am making life way too complicated. Was today any different than any other day as far as activities I did with Noah, or meals I made or time spent taking care of Noah?  No.  Not at all.  The difference was in the quality in which I spent taking care of Noah, making meals and the fun that I had doing the activities with Noah.  Instead of supervising them, I participated.  That's not to say that I don't ever get down on his level and play.  It's just that usually when I do, my phone is never far, and I still manage to constantly check for updates.  Sometimes business, but mostly personal.  I noticed that the only tantrum Noah threw was on the way home from getting his haircup, and he needed to go to the bathroom.  (Why I didn't think to ask him before we left, I'm not sure.  I'm still learning this potty training business.) I mean he was freaking out about the fact that he absolutely did not want to go potty in his underwear.  Which he wasn't even in underwear!  He was still wearing his swim diaper since we left spur of the moment on the way back to the pool.  I mean how is he so mature?!  Ugh.  I can't even handle it some days.  I want so badly for him to stay my baby, but am grateful he's moving mountains and building his confidence and gaining his independence.  I realized today just how NOT present I am every day.  How so often I feel that I'm so busy, but in reality I'm so not.  I have clients throughout the week, but it's not 24/7, and it's clearly not what's causing me to feel so busy.  It's social media.  It's the constant checking my phone, mentally comparing myself with other moms out there, other businesses out there, stressing about how I should be stressing more about how to bring in more business, how I should be a better parent.  When really, I can only control so much.  What I can consistently control is the amount of time I spend on social media.  How much quality time I spend with Noah where I'm 100% present.  How much time I spend advertising and marketing which really I could pay a small fee and let it work while I sleep and therefore free up more time to spend with Noah.  Today has caused me to take a serious look at my life and time management.  I have been doing it all wrong.  I'm grateful for the challenge that I was presented with today, and I'm proud of myself for being courageous enough to do it.

I can do hard things.  But keeping social media off my phone, and spending quality time with Noah isn't hard.  That I've realized is the easy part.  In fact, things that would normally frustrate me and push me over the edge, haven't today.  I reacted like a well-balanced adult.  That's because I was balanced today.  FB and IG didn't control me today.  And it feels good.  

Potty Time

Last Monday I had the wonderful opportunity to grow.  I was working on a friend's lashes, when Noah began crying.  It was his hurt cry.  I turned to look at him and a lime otter pop had exploded in his face.  Apparently he didn't want the frozen ones, but the warm ones.  I patiently and quietly excused myself from what I was doing and went to assist Noah in cleaning up the lime juice.  While doing so, something caught my eye.  I looked to my right and lo and behold there were two logs of poop.  Poop.  Poop on the rug.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it now, I can't say it without laughing.  This was my first log encounter and I will forever remember the shock that set in.  I had a client on the table with tape on her eyes, my son crying from lime otter pop juice exploding in his face and now poop on the rug.  So I said Noah where is your diaper?  (How did I not notice that he wasn't wearing a diaper?!)  As I assessed the situation I discovered poop on his legs, feet and some smudge marks sporadically across the kitchen tile, and that's when I emotionally shut down.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  But I couldn't.  I needed to somehow get Noah to the bathtub and still get my friend off the table with sanitation and sanity in tact.  So I got Noah into the bathtub, washed my hands and told my friend that we would have to stop and do it another time.  Thank goodness for her understanding and forgiveness.  I will also forever remember the amazing and therapeutic hug she gave me before leaving.  She saw the light escape from my eyes and saw that I was about to crumble.  I'm proud to say that I didn't. I came so close, and even snapped at Noah while he was in the tub trying to climb out but somehow managed to step away for a couple minutes and tackle the overwhelming responsibility of cleaning up the glorious mess.

Now looking back I laugh.  Sometimes I cry from laughing so hard.  It's funny how these sweet little spirits are constantly challenging us and giving us opportunities to grow, to let loose, to see the world with a little silliness...and even with a little mess.  Pun intended.  So how did I grow here?  Instead of fighting him on wearing a diaper since he clearly chooses not to, I threw some boxer briefs on that precious little boy.  I told him that if he chooses not to wear the diapers then we're going to start potty training.  He didn't answer me of course, but I figured why not let him guide me through this transition.  So often my knee jerk reaction is to gain "control" over him.  But I'm learning to let go of that power and focus on my responsibility to empower him.  

That was the 24th.  It is now the 30th and we've only had a few accidents during the day.  And he's had croup since Thursday. Poor little guy.  I've heard that when kids are sick they regress and have accidents.  But he powered through it like a champ.  All three accidents happened whilst I was chatting away on FaceTime to my sisters.  Same time every day.  So I made a promise to Noah that during the morning especially when it's the usual time he goes to the bathroom, I will be 100% present so as not to miss another cue that he needs to go.  This potty training experience has been far too easy.  I keep feeling like if I talk about it I'm going to jinx myself and he'll start to regress.  But he hasn't.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  I know many who have struggled with potty training and yet somehow we have breezed through it.  All I can say is that I let him lead me.  I read his signs and just followed along.  One bonus was that he has been waking up with a dry diaper for a couple months now so I'm guessing that since he was physiologically ready, that the daytime challenge wouldn't really be a challenge at all.  But I still consider myself lucky.  

I feel like Noah is far beyond his years.  Do all parents feel this way about their kids?  It's almost like his spirit knows that he was sent here to not only be an amazing son, but also that he may need to look out for his mom, even though I wish he wouldn't.  That's my job.  But I'm grateful.  He is so loving, so funny, energetic, strong-willed, compassionate and so smart.  I rarely raise my voice and when I do, he reminds me that I reacted like an idiot.  In fact that's another way he's beyond his years.  One time I asked him to forgive me for raising my voice and to always give me a grasshopper when I'm acting like a child.  And he does it.  Every.  Time.  I didn't even think he would remember, much less understand what I was asking.  He's just amazing.  I feel so blessed and sometimes wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing child.  Again, do all parents feel this way? 

Either way I feel blessed.  And I hope he knows that.  

Signing off.

Me

(Enjoying some homemade cinnamon rolls on this beautiful Memorial Day, by this delicious little guy.  :])