Faith is not dead.

Recently, I've had many opportunities to exercise my faith. Rather than touch on all of them in one post, I'm going to span these out a bit. So for today I'm going to talk about me and Noah's health. He has struggled with getting croup every two weeks last year during this season, then three or four times over the summer, and then in August he began his every two week cycle. For me, it's been vertigo and panic attacks. Which precedes which, I'm not sure at this point. However, we've both struggled in our own ways. Until I finally said enough is enough. There's something I'm missing here. So I decided to get Noah's issues resolved first. Tackle mine afterwords. I had taken him to the doctor I don't know how many times this year, not to mention the multiple hospital visits. Every time they would say he has asthma. Put him on controller meds and be done with it. But the thing is, is I didn't feel that he had asthma. Something kept gnawing at me that something was being missed. He never got wheezy when he exercised, or played outback in Grandpa's yard with a variety of different plants/pollen. It was only when he ate certain foods he was allergic to, got a stuffy nose or sick. So the last doctor's visit in August at his regular pediatrician's office, I asked the doc if food allergies could be playing a part in all of this. They said no. Has nothing to do with food. But I wasn't satisfied with that answer. Noah breaks out in hives when he has eggs, milk, some soy products and most nuts. He used to react to gluten, but the severity has died down. But I kept thinking well if he's eating these foods (gluten, egg or milk in baked goods, not raw) and not breaking out in hives, I know he's still sensitive so that's got to be creating an inflammatory response right? Even if I can't physically see it? So with the help of my Sissie, I took a trip to the naturopath. I needed answers and not just the kind that puts a band aid on the problem. I wanted to get to the root of the problem and heal his body as a whole. Best decision I've made. During this particular bout of croup that he got November 7th, (third time in 6 weeks) the naturopath checked his lungs and said they sounded beautiful. Which was a relief since he had a bit of wheezing on the exhale. And a productive cough at this point in the day. So after an in-depth examination and actually asking me questions about his behavior, his tantrums, his diet, etc., she told me he most likely has viral-induced asthma. I asked her so he can get a different mutated virus every time? She said yes that there were many out there. However if his body has chronic inflammation, then when he gets a simple cold, it turns into croup. because his airways are already lined with mucous. (This is not quoted, just paraphrasing.) She patiently and calmly talked me through everything. She validated my thoughts about how if I can control his wheezing naturally and at home, then there would be no need for a controller inhaler at this point. She also explained how to alter his diet, what supplements will help strengthen his immune system and most importantly, she gave us a homeopathic remedy of Tuberculinum to help with not only his respiratory issues, but his behavior issues. Which aren't even all that bad. Just the throwing things occasionally when he throws a tantrum or does his bursts of screams. All of these solutions she said will help retrain his body to function properly again. When I left the office I had hope for the first time in a year. I called my Sissie and told her the wonderful news. And how grateful I was that I didn't start him on controller meds. How grateful I was that for once a doctor was invested and cared about Noah's health and him as a whole. Not just the symptoms, but help me get to the root of the problem. I know I'm probably repeating myself but it's important to me to get that point across. I feel like doctors don't HEAL us. It's not HEALTH care. It's sick care. If we were healed as a whole and didn't need to come back, then how would they make a profit/living? They wouldn't. So we need to remain sick. And it's not them that is personally doing this, it's the education they've been given. They hear a symptom and memory comes into play and they know to treat that symptom with x medication. And I'm not saying that antibiotics or any other meds out there aren't needed because they ARE. But not always. The body has an amazing ability to heal itself, if we take the time to understand how the body actually works. So I started Noah on the Tuberculinum when we got home that day and within a couple of hours, the cough was gone. GONE. That has never happened before. I was amazed. And I was beyond grateful.

Fast forward 4 weeks, and Noah has still yet to come down with croup. And it's the flu season. All these viruses going around and he is going strong. We take the natural allergy medicine every day, the omega's, the whole food vitamins and Tuberculinum, and he is getting stronger and healthier every day. Even his tantrums have changed. They're not as extreme and frequent. And I'm less stressed which can only help the situation. I kneel down every morning and night and thank my Heavenly Father that I've finally found a way to heal him AND strengthen him. It also catapulted me into doing my own research on natural ways to heal the lungs, blood, etc. I've learned that 5,000 people die every year from asthma. But that 4,000 of those don't die from asthma itself, but from the asthma medication. And I've since learned that since the lungs are mostly blood, then if you clean the blood, you heal the lungs. Also, when we're dehydrated, our bodies don't produce a surfactant which is crucial to the lungs in keeping the airways free of the mucous that builds up from being dehydrated. And since gluten takes more water to break down, then imagine what eating a lot of gluten would do to the lungs essentially. What's even crazier is whenever Noah would have an "asthma attack" I would always intuitively have him drink water. I've since learned that on the onset of an attack, if the person drinks a glass of water and then puts a pinch of salt on the tongue, it will send a message that relief is coming. It's just interesting that before I learned this, my gut had me doing what he really needed. And whenever I would have him drink a glass of water, his wheezing would die down on its own within a few minutes. But it took faith. It took faith to trust what my gut was telling me. It took faith to go against what close friends and family thought I should be doing. I mean breathing issues aren't something to mess around with. But I had faith that I would be guided to the right people to help me figure it all out. We are now gluten, egg, and dairy free and although I spend a good portion of my day in the kitchen preparing meals from scratch, it is so worth it. Since changing our diet, Noah has been breathing beautifully. We've only had two instances where he got wheezy after being outside in a particular area, but after a dose of his d-Hist Jr, and a glass of water, it has subsided on its own. Again, it took faith to trust that his body would right itself, heal itself. As for me, the dizziness, occasional vertigo, migraines and anxiety have left for me. I actually had a migraine last night coupled with dizziness, but after a little research I found out that the sausage I ate twice in one day (I know, so not healthy) was actually not gluten free. Seriously? Why is wheat even in there? It wasn't even listed on the label. But I guess things are falsely labeled often these days. Grr. Whatever. I'm over it.

Timeless.

I'm so looking forward to the future and can't thank Heavenly Father enough, for guiding me through this lengthy, exhausting and hard trial. I'm grateful Noah's lungs are getting stronger. I'm grateful I've been pushed in a direction that has inspired me to do my own research and educate myself on how to trust our bodies natural healing powers. And above all, I'm grateful I get to be Noah's mom. I can't believe he chose me. What I can do though is make sure I do everything I can to ensure he has a healthy and happy life. So here's to faith.

Cheers.

What You Don't See

I'm about to get real with you. Downright vulnerable and real. This isn't a lift your spirits kind of post. So don't expect rainbows or sunshine or cute little parenthood memes. This is something I've been wanting to share publicly but afraid to. No surprise there as you will soon find out in about three sentences from now. So Friday, September 30th, I had the opportunity to sing Elvis' Can't Help Falling In Love, for a beautiful couple's first dance at their wedding. This was a first for me. I wish I could say that I was super excited to do it. And I don't mean that in the way it sounds. I was absolutely honored she asked me, and even more delighted that she was so happy with the performance, but because of my performance anxiety struggles, I wasn't able to feel excited about it for the three months leading up to it. Only after the performance was I able to step outside of my pounding head and realize holy crap. I did it. I didn't think I could. [And by the way it was a solid and amazing performance. I've included the video at the end of the post]. And even then, it wasn't my usual perky happy self, it was a muted version because I was busy recovering from all the intense anxiety I had dealt with all day. I know how bad that sounds. Trust me. I do. In fact no one knows it better than I. Truth is I should have been on cloud nine. But I wasn't.

I'm not sure when it got this bad for me. I mean I've always been nervous to sing in public, but there's been certain times in my life when it was out-of-control-bad, and other times when I got a few butterflies and that was that. And I can't tell you how many people tell me, "you shouldn't be nervous", or "you're just singing in front of people like you", or "anxiety isn't real". But the problem is that it IS real. I realize that it's a choice, and that fear/anxiety can't coexist with peace. But right now in my life, it's as real as it's ever been and I can't just shake it off. Or simply tell myself, "hey you're okay, just be calm". Maybe the problem or reason that I get more nervous at certain times about performing than others, is because I don't do it enough. And if it is that, well then the brutal reality of that is that I would need to keep performing in order for it to get easier. But that means I have to endure more anxiety. Which I can't fathom doing.

Let me ask you something. What do you see when you look at that picture? I look happy right? I mean I look like I'm at total peace without a care in the world! Wrong. I mean yes. I'm smiling because my sister let me borrow an amazingly gorgeous dress and this was the first time since I gave birth to Noah that I got to put on an amazingly gorgeous dress. So yes. I was pretty psyched about dressing up. Also, my makeup went on perfectly. I was going to have M.A.C. do it, but I decided the wiser decision would be to save the money and do it myself. Not a bad job if I do say so myself. ;] Back to the picture. What you don't see here is that I cried several times earlier in the day. What you don't see is the overwhelming burn that exhausted my body from the moment my eyes jolted open at 4:30 A.M. that morning, from the anxiety that had tormented me for weeks, and even more intensely this day. What you don't see is the depression that had accompanied the anxiety. What you don't see is the many negative things I had told myself about all the ways I could mess up the performance, and how I wasn't that great of a singer. What you don't see is the inner battle I had with myself about whether or not I should take an Ativan before singing (which I decided yes on, but forgot to bring with me, so sang without it). What you don't see is the upset toddler in the background, and when I say background I mean as far back as you can get because when anxiety takes center stage, no one else really exists, you're just on autopilot and everyone else is beyond your mental realm. What you don't see is the guilt that fought the anxiety for first place from snapping at my toddler multiple times throughout the day, for what I imagine was just him needing his mama's attention, but couldn't get it because mama was hurting and scared. What you don't see is the inner battle that took place for hours, weeks and months to fight off these negative thoughts and fears that even caused physical problems. What you don't see is the endless pleading to my Heavenly Father to just take it all away. All you see is a girl smiling in a pretty black dress. And honestly, that's okay. I prefer it that way. But something has to change. 

I mean look at those shoes. How can anyone feel anything but elated about a sexy pair of shoes they found on clearance at Payless, no less, and that are super comfortable to walk in despite the 4" heels?! I say to that, no one! But the truth is I didn't. I may have had a few short-lived moments where I felt normal and happy to be a girl smiling in a pretty black dress, but the rest of that morning I was down-right miserable. But maybe that's not what I should be focusing on. Maybe I should be focusing on the fact that I DID have a few short-lived moments where I felt normal and happy to be a girl smiling in a pretty black dress. The trick I suppose it to figure out how to accept me for me, and love the voice I have and sing for me. Sing for Noah. Sing for those I love and hearts I want to lift with my voice. And here's a kicker. I absolutely LOVE singing, and when I finally get going in a performance and I'm singing into that mic with amazing acoustics and my voice carries throughout the room, I feel like that's where I belong. That there isn't anywhere else I would rather be than right there, in front of that mic, singing my little heart out...except of course with my little angel. So what do I do then? I briefly discussed with the DJ at the venue about possibly being a vocalist that couples could opt for to sing cocktail hour at their weddings at this particular venue. This seems pretty reasonable. A lot of people are usually under the influence so it would take the edge off a bit. Also, people would be coming and going so there wouldn't be any real threat to my psyche. Again, I know this sounds crazy, but anyone who suffers with anxiety, and more specifically performance anxiety, knows the struggle. And knows that no amount of words or positive affirmations or essential oils can reign it in when its got the best of you. But all this said, I don't want to give up. In fact I didn't realize I didn't until I just wrote it and said it in my mind. I don't. I want to sing. It's such a part of my life that I can't imagine ever stopping. And I believe and agree with my friends and family that I have a gift that needs to be shared with the world. And if it can generate some extra income, even better. But right now at this point in my life, anxiety has won. It has taken center stage and honestly I've had enough. 

So I'm writing this to really just hold myself accountable and give myself something to refer to when I'm having doubts, or when I'm frightened of committing to a performance. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. Even though the adversary continuously puts these doubts in my head and this fear in my heart, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. And more importantly I don't want to show my son that it's okay to give up because things get scary. He needs to see my strength and love and passion in what I do. Selfishly, I want to be able to say yes to singing for an event and then be absolutely excited every day until the day of the performance. I want it to feel like Christmas. Because when I'm on stage, it's pretty dang close to that feeling. You know the warmth and joy and excitement that's present during the Christmas season that has you walking a little lighter, giving a little more and smiling from ear to ear? Yeah. I want it to feel like that.

I want to be able to get ready, do my makeup and hair while dancing to my favorite music as I mentally prepare to rock the stage. I want to get in front of that mic with confidence and exude stage presence like it's nobody's business but mine. I want to walk off that stage feeling like a queen, knowing that I gave the best performance I could have given. I want to be free to talk to people before and after a performance because anxiety is no longer keeping me prisoner inside my head and afraid to do so. I want to be able to run home and tell Noah about how amazing it was to sing and how happy it makes me. And most importantly I want to be able to look back at pictures and be proud of what I see. I don't want to see fear. I don't want to see the anxiety, pain and anguish that accompanied that day. I want to look back at pictures of me performing and say, "that was such an amazing day and a kick ace performance" and, "I had so much fun performing" and, "I can't wait to do it again".

So I'm determined to figure this crap out. Through energy work, EMDR, oils and lots of love and support from family and friends, I will figure this crap out. I don't know how long it will take me, and as I've said before, this journey will be long and it will be hard, but I still want to take it. And as I posted on FB months ago, I'm still going to be ready to sing, I Will Always Love You, by the beautiful Whitney Houston and Dolly Parton, May of next year to the guitar that I will have improved on, and nail it. With confidence. Also, I will find a way to get out there and perform. Whether it be karaoke or open mic night or simply on a crowded street, or hey maybe randomly at a Walmart, I will find a way to overcome this dreadful fear that honestly cripples and paralyzes my mind and my soul, and do what I was born to do. Sing my heart out.

Also, I would really love an excuse to buy more cocktail dresses, evening gowns and shoes. :]

Feeling Lost

I don't even know where to begin today. I just feel lost. Do you ever feel that way? Like you've got a million plates you're balancing carefully on this tiny ace stick? And all the plates are spinning? You know what visual I'm talking about right? Yeah that one. That's me today. And for the life of me I can't get any one of these "plates" to generate any revenue, or get me any closer to where I want to be in life. Maybe I need to get rid of some of these plates. Maybe I need to switch to bowls. Maybe I shouldn't be balancing at all. 

I mean do I just stick to one thing? Pick one avenue and risk everything to make that one work? Maybe my time isn't efficiently spent or making any changes because it's split up between so many projects. What project then do I pick? Or do I throw in the towel on everything and just get a 9-5 job that doesn't pay enough and will keep me right where I am for years to come? No progress or growth, just stagnancy. Ugh. Just the sound of that word makes me want to throw up. I'm meant for more. I have to be. Otherwise, this life, well I don't know. But it isn't at all what I thought it would be when I was little. 

Maybe the problem is that I'm just mediocre at everything I do and not amazing at one thing. Maybe I need to perfect one talent or skill and work on becoming the best at that. Problem is when you're struggling to begin with, you aren't left with many options to "start" or get anything "going" because in real life, it takes money to make money. Also, it takes a level of bravery I'm currently lacking. I'm scared of everything right now because I have so little. You'd think I have nothing to lose, but I do. I have my precious son who's counting on me. So I can't fail. I can't. 

Eh. I'm done whining. Won't change anything. 

Gonna go take one of these blasted plates down, put a couple no bake cookies on 'em and stuff my face. That'll fix everything.  

-M

Business Woes

So I wanted to take a minute this morning and complain and brainstorm. I really try my hardest to keep any complaining to a minimum, but it's part of the process right? It is hard to start your own business. Especially in our economy's current state. It's mother...truckin'...hard. BUT. It isn't impossible. The struggle I'm having is drumming up new business. Keeping clients is the easy part. If you offer a good service and are kind, well typically they seem to stay. It's finding new clients that is difficult for me. Social media has it's perks and makes it super easy to advertise and get what you're offering out to many more peeps than you would if you hustled on foot. However, it's not personal. And I feel like I need to be more personal. I need to see people face to face, find out what it is they need and then assess whether or not I can help them.

As of now I, or rather Libellula, offers full body waxing, organic spray tanning (which I think I might start bringing in the big guns or rather the non-organic solutions to offer darker options) and lash extensions. These are services I do really well at. I'm quick, efficient and use top of the line products. I imagine though that if people are seeing my services being offered on the web, they may not jump at the chance to get a Brazilian or spray tan since it's a more intimate service. I truly believe though that if I could talk to them face to face and address any questions and/or concerns they may have, I could seal the deal. They would feel confident and more comfortable with my reassurance.

So how do I get more face to face time with people. Strangers at that. How do I build relationships? What do I need to do or what more do I need to do with the clients I already have so that they're more inclined to refer my services to friends and family? Something to think about. Discounts? Little goody bags? Not sure. What businesses would benefit from having my card at their front desk? What can I do to take my services to the next level, so that I can reach out to an even wider demographic? Body contouring would help in spray tanning so I could spray body building competitors. Where would I go to find a mentor? How could I get quicker at lash extensions? What new tricks and tips are out there to add more for less? Maybe I need to start reaching out to men who wax? I need to start a spreadsheet. Services I offer across, quantity quality # of clients vendors training etc down. Maybe I can figure out a way to track my quantity and quality of services with my personal progress of trainings, clientele, etc. Again, something to think about.

I also sell Mary Kay. I know many associate it with older women or an "old school" product but the thing is is people don't know what they don't know. They don't know that their makeup and skin care line is winning awards in big magazines like Good Housekeeping. That their makeup is geared and adapts with the current trends. I was looking at their current look book and I was amazed yet again at how flawless the looks are and just how current they are. So how do I get these looks out to the masses? Maybe YouTube. I could do tutorials once a week on different looks, how to use their skincare, etc. Okay okay. Everything is digital these days so I could also email the current look book to people. I mean look at these looks. Stunning.

http://www.marykay.com/en-us/tips-and-trends/makeover-and-beauty-tools/ecatalog

So what can I do today to get one new customer? I think I'll call a client that hasn't been back in a while and see how she's doing. See if there's anything she needs done. Nothing wrong with asking for their business right? I think Marcus Lamonis would say to do just that. Reminder. Need to catch up with the Profit and see if there are any more strategies or things I could be doing differently to grow my business.

Confidence in not only my services, but myself as a professional and licensed esthetician is key right? So how can I boost my confidence? One thing that comes to mind is how I dress currently. Mom status is cool, but I feel like I need to look the part of a Licensed Esthetician. So since money is tight right now, maybe I could buy two outfits a month and just rock them until well they can't be rocked any longer. Ha. If I feel confident with how I look, I'm sure it will rub off on those I serve and I will be more apt to think smarter and more efficiently. Eh. Not sure if any of that makes sense. I need to start checking in here more often to track my progress. Hold myself accountable. Not sure the spreadsheet will be that powerful. Who knows. Maybe a year from now, my story will be shared with thousands and give them hope and guidance on how to grow their business from the ground up.

Okay so let's summarize here.

• Build clientele
• Improve services
• Work on improving current client relationships and make new relationships
• Build confidence
• Possibly get second job to help with current expenses. Boo. 

Goal today? Get one new client on the books. Tomorrow, I'll shoot for two.

Let's make waves. 

Signing off. 

***Update: Didn't land a new client today, however I did land an advertising opportunity. Excited to see what the exposure will do for new clientele. A friend was so kind to allow me to include Libellula in their coupon book that a local high school will sell for a fundraiser. Feeling grateful. 

Grateful

In a world where everyone needs everything, I have come to appreciate living within my means. It's a humbling experience to go from having everything you want to only getting the basic things you need. But I've learned to look for the tender mercies that are bestowed upon Noah and I every day and can't help but feel deeply grateful for all that we have. 

Noah, my sweet little angel.

A roof over our heads. 

Clothes on our backs.

Food in our bellies. 

The gospel in all its fullness. 

A Savior who loves us. 

Temples minutes away.

Ward buildings to meet in.

A testimony of the gospel and my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Family to love and support who love and support us. 

Friends to love and support and who love and support us.

Health and strength. 

The physical ability to serve. 

Talents to share. 

An education.

Laughter. 

Memories. 

Love.

When I reflect on all that I have, it's really easy to feel blessed. To not want material things because the world says I need them. Are they fun to have? Absolutely. But will they improve the relationship I have with those that matter most: my Heavenly Father, Savior, sweet little Noah, family or friends? Nope. So as I take on another week, I'm choosing to remember all that I have, rather than what I don't. 

What are you grateful for?

 

Hello 2 Year Molars

So this evening as Noah and I were sitting on the couch I had a thought. A random thought. I wonder if Noah's molars are in. And just maybe, maybe this hellish week is not solely due to the fact that he is entering the terrible 3's in a few months. Maybe this week has been off the charts, send-mommy-to-the-loony-bin kind of hard, because he was teething. So I look. I whip out my trusty flashlight, AKA iPhone, and voila. There they are. I can't imagine how miserable that must be. These little bursts of screams in the morning before he even opens his eyes, these restless nights and throwing a tantrum every hour, these countless dinners untouched, must be the product of those pesky and oh-so-large molars making their debut through those precious little gums. So since I have no idea when exactly the moment was that they poked through, I'm going to say that he got his 2 year molars today. August 20th, 2016. It has been written and so it must be so.

Drumroll please.......

Hello 2 year molars. Thank you for making life just a little bit more hellish this week. 

Time for some ibuprofen, lots of prayer and hopefully a better night's rest.

Sleep well my sweet little angel. I pray the worst is over...for both our sakes. 

Love you to forever and back. 

Remember that time?

Remember that time when I said in an earlier post that poop gets everywhere?

Yeah. It does. 

And it gets smashed. Because why not? 

Noah was pretty darn proud. In his defense I was blabbing away on the phone and stood by him right by the toilet ignoring the fact that he was pooping right. By. My foot. And the mom of the year award goes to....I have no idea. But it sure as crap wasn't me. Pun intended. 

The moon is very, very hot.

As we were getting ready for bed, Noah looked out the window and spotted the moon. With his sweet little chubby hand and chubby pointer finger, he pointed at that far away moon.

Noah: Look Mom! The moon!

Me: Oh wow! You're right! Look how pretty it is! 

Noah: I touch it? It's very, very hot.

Me: (Laughs) You know what sweetheart? You could absolutely touch the moon. But the moon isn't hot, the sun is. Are you going to be an astronaut?

Noah: gibberish..fly...gibberish...a ship.

Me: In a rocket ship?

Noah: gibberish...ship....fly high!

Me: That's right sweetheart. Rocket ships can fly past the clouds all the way to the moon! 

Noah: gibberish...superman!

Me:...Yup! I bet Superman could touch the moon. 

May he never lose his love for exploration and always reach for the sky.

All grown up

Sometimes I don't even realize how much time has gone by until I see an old photo of Noah. And then I think wow. Noah is so old! 

Then two days ago I took him to Tony's Real Barber Shop. This was his first visit to a barber. The difference was night and day from your average Great Clips. Barbers really take the time to perfect lines and fades. He even styled it and then conintued to perfect the cut. I appreciated their commitment to this wee little guy's haircut. For the last two days now Noah repeatedly says throughout the day, "I got a haircut!" Clearly he's loving his new do and so am I. 

I mean look at that little angel! Even after we showered off all of those pesky little hairs left from his haircut and let it air dry sans style, he still looks so dapper. And old. Again. Where has the time gone? I remember about a year ago when I was worried he wasn't growing quick enough. I guess I just needed to let time pass. Time is amazing that way isn't it? Mends broken hearts, makes room for forgiveness, tracks our most cherished moments and releases answers that we were so impatient to receive. 

Speaking of time, I can't wait for middle of next week when this guy's first real head wound has healed. He thought it wise to slide his slide into the kitchen tile and then try to jump from the top only to meet face to face with the tile floor. 

It's actually not bad considering. 

So motherhood continues on. Lots of firsts these past couple days. And grateful time has captured them all...

Keep on oh dapper one. Keep on. 💗

Grateful for my Savior

Dragonfly Diaries: Keeping it real

A day in the life of yours truly. As silly as this may seem, it's one of the many ways that my bestie and I keep in touch. You're welcome.

It's time

The end. 

Rockabye baby

The other night I got to rock my baby to sleep.  I haven't done that in almost a year.  This transition from toddler to super independent toddler has been a strange and frightening one.  However, what I experienced two nights ago, was something I feel was completely different.  It was total and complete surrender to dependence.

So Noah has been diagnosed with reactive airway disease which for most just means he's asthmatic, just not old enough to be diagnosed with asthma.  What this means for Noah in particular is that anytime he gets a cold, nine out of 10 times it turns into croup and/or an asthmatic episode and a trip to the ER.  No matter how hard I try to get ahead of it every time, we still somehow wind up in the hospital.  And during these visits he is given a double dose of steroid and an hour-long continuous breathing treatment of Albuterol.  He's had these before and done quite well in my opinion.  But this last time was completely different.  About 40 minutes into the breathing treatment his heart rate was higher than normal and Noah freaked out.  He started shaking and screaming.  So I removed the mask and gave him a couple minutes to try to calm down and lower his heart rate.  The nurse came in at this moment and said we would be stopping the treatment and seeing how he did with what he was able to do.

The next day he was on high alert all day due to the obvious amount of Albuterol and steroid.  And something strange began to happen.  Every now and then out of the blue he would start screaming at the top of his lungs in short bursts.  Not a continuous scream, but short staccato bursts.  This happened only once before in January, when he was on the same medications but not as long. My intuition is telling me that he must have felt so miserable inside and completely unaware of how to work through these jitters, that he had no other option than to scream.  And me holding him must have been too much sensory stimulation to handle.  I honestly have no scientific evidence of this, just purely a mom's intuition.  So I ignored the screams and tried to hold him.  He refused.  Every. Time.  We skipped nap time that day so that he could have an early bedtime.  I bathed him early to get that fight out of the way sooner rather than later.  Which I later realized to be one of the smartest decisions I've made yet as a mom.  Ha. Well around 7:00 P.M. the screaming and crying began again.  So I scooped him up in my arms and held him tight.  He tried to push me away but this time I didn't let go.  I held him in the cradle position and began to rock him.  I sang our old lullaby and just rocked.  And rocked.  And rocked.  He cried for a couple minutes but eventually he began to surrender.  There was so much pain and anguish in his eyes, and all I wanted to do was make it go away. I wanted to take all of his pain so that he never had to hurt again. But I couldn't, so I rocked. I watched him as he surrendered to dependence and I'll never forget it. Noah needed me to fight against his fight for independence in that moment and I'm so glad I did.

There's so much of every day that blurs into the next, but it's moments like these that don't. These precious moments stick with me. I have filed it away in the never-forget file within my crazy busy mind for later viewing when I need to remember why it is I do what I do.

The other night I had the opportunity to rock my son to sleep. My 32 lb, full of life, 2 year old. And it's a memory I will treasure forever.

Translation

What a day. We went to Costco. That pretty much sums it up. It's something that I have to prepare myself for, both physically and mentally. Noah likes to try all the samples of course, and hold my card the whole. Time. Today the card magically disappeared. But not to worry. I can mentally and physically prepare to add that to-do, to the next excursion. Their membership lines are never long. Insert sarcasm here. 

Also, Noah has taken the key phrase, "literally", to a new level. Is that even a key phrase? I mean word. Whatever. 

Me: Noah, would you like to eat your chicken nuggets and French fries on a tray while you watch Paw Patrol?

Noah: Yeah! 

Yep. That's my son. 

The end. 

Winning

Noah and I spent the day with our cousins today and had a blast.  But that's to be expected.  It's so nice to be able to go to a sibling's house and jump right in so seamlessly as if they were my own.  Which brings me to my next thought.  This whole staying away from social media thing has really freed up some time for me to focus on the quality of my personal relationships, and has inspired me to "operate" differently.  I realized today that I need to go back to the basics.  With technology these days it's so easy to just advertise and/or market online through social media.  But what's lacking there?  Quality interaction. Quality relationships. Yes, I'm reaching out to many more people, but is that what's most important? I need to get out there and ask for their business face to face.  Talk with them.  Figure out what it is they're looking for, build a rapport with them and then if it's a good fit, ask them for their business.  I feel like those will be the long-term clients that will inspire me to push myself even further to better and even perfect the services I offer.  And with shaving off the 5-10 minutes every hour that I shamelessly spend a day looking at my Facebook and IG, that has freed up at least an hour that I could spend making those fact to face contacts..  

Also, I've realized that I'm not as busy as I thought or felt I was.  I just felt "busy" because of the constant checking, rechecking and so on.  Busy work isn't always productive. 

So being social media free today (I paid a ridiculously small fee to boost a FB post this morning, to reach more potential clients so that I could have the day to watch my sister's kids for her) and had such a good time.  Noah bless his heart had an allergic reaction twice today.  To foods I'm pretty sure he's had at least a few times, but that's the thing with him.  One day he's fine, the next I'm on hive watch. He's fine now and sleeping peacefully, but tomorrow I will be using that extra hour or so I now have to create a better meal plan that I can have on the ready for days that I need to be out of the house, so that we can avoid accidental exposure to certain foods.  

Oh and I was able to spray tan myself.  That's huge.  I must have complained to myself at least once a day that I never had time to even spray tan myself.  I mean if I offer the service, I should represent right?  I made it happen today.

I'm really liking this whole freedom thing from social media.  I'm journaling every day now, and I feel less stressed.  And as a bonus, journaling has not only offered free therapy, but has opened my mind to new ideas, as I talk through my day's activities.  It has opened creative channels that were once closed. And I love creating. Especially musically...

All I do is win, win, win no matter what...drops mic. 

Haircups, hellos and fish

This morning I woke up with the usual anxiety that greets me most mornings lately.  So I pick up my phone and start scrolling through Facebook, while thinking of what I will post for Libellula.  This usually curbs the anxiety and gets my mind busy thinking about the million other things I have to do that day.  Only it didn't work this morning.  My anxiety grew, slowly but steadily.  Then I came across a post from someone who challenged others to take a break from social media and delete the FB app from their phones for three days.  I accepted.  I immediately deleted my FB, Messenger, Pages and IG apps from my phones and surprisingly my anxiety intensified. I thought what in the heck will I do?  How will I answer customers?  What if I lose a customer because I didn't respond in time-

Okay time for a time out.  I was going in the wrong direction mentally.  I decided that with how I initially reacted to what I thought would be an empowering moment, it was time I took control of my life and started to be...happy.  Simply happy.  No charades.  No gimmicks.  No drama.  No anxiety.  Just happy.  And I knew at that moment that it would start with me and my attitude.  I glanced over at Noah and my heart melted.  I pulled him close and gave him a tight hug and just enjoyed the moment.  Enjoyed his sweet little perfect self within my embrace.  And I whispered to him, "mommy's got this". 

Next I decided that with the free time that I now had without the social media apps, I would start my morning doing something I thoroughly enjoyed doing.  Reading.  I love to read.  I could read all day.  Of course I usually never get more than a couple pages in without being interrupted, so now was the perfect time.  And I read.  After about 20 minutes of reading, that pesky racing mind got busy again.  How did it happen?  I have no idea.  I'm sure something that I read got me on one thought, that then led to another and so on.  Anyhow.  So as it was racing, I thought, no way.  You need to get up and shower before Noah gets up so that you can actually shave your legs today in case you go swimming.  So I got up and went downstairs to shower.  Right as I got to the door, I thought wait a minute.  This can wait!  Enjoy this free time while Noah sleeps!  Get back in bed and READ.  So I did.  And I did for another hour.  It was liberating.  This then fueled every next decision that led to a wonderful day. 

After I read, I crept downstairs and made some pancakes with sausage.  One of Noah's favorite breakfasts.  With grapes of course.  The purple not the green kind.  We sat and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.  After I cleaned up we broke out the Play-Doh.   And we laughed some more as he  carefully separated each color into tiny pieces.  Next we played with Legos and let his imagination run wild.  Now throughout these next couple of hours I won't lie.  I kept reaching for my phone out of habit to check my FB and IG, only to be reminded that I wasn't able to check my FB or IG.  Thankfully.  Otherwise I would have failed the challenge.  I couldn't believe how attached to it I have become.  I reminded myself that it can wait.  Yes, even my business page.  If someone wanted to schedule, they could reach out to me via phone.  So we decided to go swimming next.  After all, now that I was suddenly free of all the "busyness" I have so effortlessly created, so why not?  I'm so glad we did.  Noah has been to the pool a few times when he was quite a bit younger, but only recently has he gone with floaties.  The first time a few weeks ago, he was very hesitant to leave my side.  Today however, he pushed my hands away and said, "go mama".  And pushed himself off the steps and into the water where he doggie paddled and kicked his way around the pool.  He's come leaps and bounds and it is the coolest thing to see him as he gets stronger emotionally, mentally and physically.  There was also another boy at the pool with his dad and although he was at least 8 or 9 years older than Noah, Noah insisted on saying hello to the kid.  Hewoh! Hewoh! Peekaboo! Not sure if I'm even typing that phonetically correct but that's how it sounds in my head.  Another area he has grown so much in; speaking.  He used to always say hi, but he's upgraded for a polite hello, or hewoh.  I had so much fun watching him swim like a fish (as he repeatedly told me) and graduate from pushing off the steps to jumping from the steps and even the ledge of the pool.  So much can happen in an instant; especially when it comes to these little ones growing up.

As the day went on I forgot to check my phone.  After we swam, we went to get Noah a haircut.  As we pull up to Great Clips, I said okay sweetheart, let's go get a haircut! He so preciously mimicked me and said, "okay let's get a haircup"!  I just about died.  He sat all by himself on a booster this time and I could have cried.  These kids grow up so fast. By the time it was ready for dinner I remembered that oh yeah. I probably need to check my business page for any inquiries.  It took a matter of two minutes and I was back to being 100% present for Noah.  We enjoyed a wonderful dinner of spaghetti with garlic bread, another meal favorite, and then watched Cars.  Or at least I did.  He ended up leaving me to go hang out with Mimi and watch the iPad for a bit.  Then came back to join me for another round of Cars. 



As I sit and reflect on today I've come to realize a few things.  I am making life way too complicated. Was today any different than any other day as far as activities I did with Noah, or meals I made or time spent taking care of Noah?  No.  Not at all.  The difference was in the quality in which I spent taking care of Noah, making meals and the fun that I had doing the activities with Noah.  Instead of supervising them, I participated.  That's not to say that I don't ever get down on his level and play.  It's just that usually when I do, my phone is never far, and I still manage to constantly check for updates.  Sometimes business, but mostly personal.  I noticed that the only tantrum Noah threw was on the way home from getting his haircup, and he needed to go to the bathroom.  (Why I didn't think to ask him before we left, I'm not sure.  I'm still learning this potty training business.) I mean he was freaking out about the fact that he absolutely did not want to go potty in his underwear.  Which he wasn't even in underwear!  He was still wearing his swim diaper since we left spur of the moment on the way back to the pool.  I mean how is he so mature?!  Ugh.  I can't even handle it some days.  I want so badly for him to stay my baby, but am grateful he's moving mountains and building his confidence and gaining his independence.  I realized today just how NOT present I am every day.  How so often I feel that I'm so busy, but in reality I'm so not.  I have clients throughout the week, but it's not 24/7, and it's clearly not what's causing me to feel so busy.  It's social media.  It's the constant checking my phone, mentally comparing myself with other moms out there, other businesses out there, stressing about how I should be stressing more about how to bring in more business, how I should be a better parent.  When really, I can only control so much.  What I can consistently control is the amount of time I spend on social media.  How much quality time I spend with Noah where I'm 100% present.  How much time I spend advertising and marketing which really I could pay a small fee and let it work while I sleep and therefore free up more time to spend with Noah.  Today has caused me to take a serious look at my life and time management.  I have been doing it all wrong.  I'm grateful for the challenge that I was presented with today, and I'm proud of myself for being courageous enough to do it.

I can do hard things.  But keeping social media off my phone, and spending quality time with Noah isn't hard.  That I've realized is the easy part.  In fact, things that would normally frustrate me and push me over the edge, haven't today.  I reacted like a well-balanced adult.  That's because I was balanced today.  FB and IG didn't control me today.  And it feels good.  

Potty Time

Last Monday I had the wonderful opportunity to grow.  I was working on a friend's lashes, when Noah began crying.  It was his hurt cry.  I turned to look at him and a lime otter pop had exploded in his face.  Apparently he didn't want the frozen ones, but the warm ones.  I patiently and quietly excused myself from what I was doing and went to assist Noah in cleaning up the lime juice.  While doing so, something caught my eye.  I looked to my right and lo and behold there were two logs of poop.  Poop.  Poop on the rug.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it now, I can't say it without laughing.  This was my first log encounter and I will forever remember the shock that set in.  I had a client on the table with tape on her eyes, my son crying from lime otter pop juice exploding in his face and now poop on the rug.  So I said Noah where is your diaper?  (How did I not notice that he wasn't wearing a diaper?!)  As I assessed the situation I discovered poop on his legs, feet and some smudge marks sporadically across the kitchen tile, and that's when I emotionally shut down.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  But I couldn't.  I needed to somehow get Noah to the bathtub and still get my friend off the table with sanitation and sanity in tact.  So I got Noah into the bathtub, washed my hands and told my friend that we would have to stop and do it another time.  Thank goodness for her understanding and forgiveness.  I will also forever remember the amazing and therapeutic hug she gave me before leaving.  She saw the light escape from my eyes and saw that I was about to crumble.  I'm proud to say that I didn't. I came so close, and even snapped at Noah while he was in the tub trying to climb out but somehow managed to step away for a couple minutes and tackle the overwhelming responsibility of cleaning up the glorious mess.

Now looking back I laugh.  Sometimes I cry from laughing so hard.  It's funny how these sweet little spirits are constantly challenging us and giving us opportunities to grow, to let loose, to see the world with a little silliness...and even with a little mess.  Pun intended.  So how did I grow here?  Instead of fighting him on wearing a diaper since he clearly chooses not to, I threw some boxer briefs on that precious little boy.  I told him that if he chooses not to wear the diapers then we're going to start potty training.  He didn't answer me of course, but I figured why not let him guide me through this transition.  So often my knee jerk reaction is to gain "control" over him.  But I'm learning to let go of that power and focus on my responsibility to empower him.  

That was the 24th.  It is now the 30th and we've only had a few accidents during the day.  And he's had croup since Thursday. Poor little guy.  I've heard that when kids are sick they regress and have accidents.  But he powered through it like a champ.  All three accidents happened whilst I was chatting away on FaceTime to my sisters.  Same time every day.  So I made a promise to Noah that during the morning especially when it's the usual time he goes to the bathroom, I will be 100% present so as not to miss another cue that he needs to go.  This potty training experience has been far too easy.  I keep feeling like if I talk about it I'm going to jinx myself and he'll start to regress.  But he hasn't.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  I know many who have struggled with potty training and yet somehow we have breezed through it.  All I can say is that I let him lead me.  I read his signs and just followed along.  One bonus was that he has been waking up with a dry diaper for a couple months now so I'm guessing that since he was physiologically ready, that the daytime challenge wouldn't really be a challenge at all.  But I still consider myself lucky.  

I feel like Noah is far beyond his years.  Do all parents feel this way about their kids?  It's almost like his spirit knows that he was sent here to not only be an amazing son, but also that he may need to look out for his mom, even though I wish he wouldn't.  That's my job.  But I'm grateful.  He is so loving, so funny, energetic, strong-willed, compassionate and so smart.  I rarely raise my voice and when I do, he reminds me that I reacted like an idiot.  In fact that's another way he's beyond his years.  One time I asked him to forgive me for raising my voice and to always give me a grasshopper when I'm acting like a child.  And he does it.  Every.  Time.  I didn't even think he would remember, much less understand what I was asking.  He's just amazing.  I feel so blessed and sometimes wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing child.  Again, do all parents feel this way? 

Either way I feel blessed.  And I hope he knows that.  

Signing off.

Me

(Enjoying some homemade cinnamon rolls on this beautiful Memorial Day, by this delicious little guy.  :])